that john and kate plus 8 dude has ruined asians for me
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
Just got a hand job during Charlie St.cloud I honestly never thought Id thank Zac Efron fir one of his movies but thank you
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
Randomize
