The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
In the last 3 months, I've slept with an ex,someone single, someone in a relationship, someone married, and someone divorced. I should get some type of grown up girl scouts badge.
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
This is my gift to your gina
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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