$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
Chicken burrito, or no deal.
Is that code for my vagina?
Who the fuck has ever referred to a vagina as a chicken burrito
I just put on my hot pinky lace thong... you know what that means! ;)
Oh god. Slutty you is on the run. Someone needs to alert the city.
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
i just successfully used the word "hymen" in a paper...welcome to senior seminar in lit.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
Randomize
