I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
how ive managed to spend 100$ at an open bar is beyond me.
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
i've decided that sluts are like cars. they may look good as hell on the outside, but you never know what kind of shit is hiding under the hood.
If that really is brett favre's penis, no wonder she ignored his calls
What happened to him?
He was walking right behind us then disappeared.. turns out he checked his luggage at a night club, continued to drink and dance, then slept on the 4th floor of some museum
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
