just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
you had me at cake vodka
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
Randomize
