i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
HE WAS CUMMING IN THAT DICK PIC
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
Randomize
