Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
it will be an insanely irresponsible summer.the only things i plan on not doing are dying and getting pregnant.and even those are negotiable
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
Randomize
