When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
We have to give a final comment in english, i think i might say "i learned it's a bad idea to make out with people in your classes who have girlfriends."
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
Boise Idaho, where you have a one night stand with someone from your town 3 states away and run into them the day you return...
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
Randomize
