I'm sorry my penis didn't work
Considering the face that your still in jail Im gunna go with no.
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
He took the Gold in Olympic clit licking last night. Canada should be proud.
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
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