John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
Want to know what makes for a better story than treehouse sex? Getting busted during treehouse sex
Watch out, there's a giant vagina in the quad running around screaming at people.
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
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