i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
This Casey James character from American Idol is really gonna mess up my sex life.
Or maybe the fact that you know who Casey James is will be what messes up your sex life.
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
the straight edge chick smoked with me, because according to her my bowl is pretty
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize
