remind me tomorrow that nothing happen between me and the guy who's shirt i'm wearing
found the other keg... it's in the tree
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
You're just horny.
Yea, and? I appreciate you as a person too if that helps.
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
Randomize
