so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
The only thing that got rode last night was the shit face train. I brought him home to see wht all the hype was about and he just started crying and puking in my bathroom.
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
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