my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
you traded sex for a burrito?
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
Randomize
