I'm gonna have a badass scar
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
I found him. We're on the way back to the condo. He was sitting in the lifeguard stand letting people passing by take pictures of his nipples for a buck each..he made 15 dollars
I take back all of the insults I've ever said toward those money makers
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
Randomize
