I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
My tits became the mascot for the SAE house last night.
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize
