the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
