I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
I need to remember that good judgment goes out the window after the 7th shot and the 3rd Lady GaGa song.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
Randomize
