That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
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