the only time it's appropriate to sing In The Air Tonight by Phils Collins is while sake bombing at Cal Beach
um or while having sex on a train
I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
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When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
I hope you enjoy this collage I made of you and me getting fucked up together
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
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When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
Sooooo have your ex-girl console you over your ex ex girl that you destroyed said ex-girl over the possibility of
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
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