I fucked him in the bathroom at Cedar Point. if it hadn't been for me already combining my two favorite things in the world the whole bathroom thing would have been a little disgusting.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
this is you don't wonder off at 3 am with no pants on. Just stay there and pray to god you don't get arrested for being on school property.
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
Randomize
