wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
Why must guys tell girls who are a little bigger that "they like a girl with meat on her bones?" Yeah needless to say he went home alone
New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
Randomize
