get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it.
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She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
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I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
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