if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
I wonder how vigorously I can jack off in a one person tent without being noticed???
Randomize
