after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
She really has to stop the coke at some point. Won't she run out of money eventually?
Won't she run out of nose eventually?
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
Randomize
