You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
Just coat-checked 2 backpacks full of 40's...it was the bouncer's idea.
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
We had sex and I never took my mets hat off... I feel like Duda knows and approves.
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
Randomize
