I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
walk of shame across osu's campus on game day. i can see all the spots i threw up last night. its like my personal yellow brick road.
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
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