If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
I use my feet as sexual weapons
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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