my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
after we fucked i left the room and when i came back he was patting his dick whispering "prouda you lil guy...prouda you"
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