Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!
I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.
you would have Pina Colada flavored saliva.
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
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