My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
There are few people I can ask this w/o being looked at as insane... Do you ever some days get fascinated by how amazing your own breast look?
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
Yeah I'm gunna date him. I figure its regular sex and maybe feelings will come in time...it worked for arranged marriages...
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
Definitely! I will do that this week. Right now, watching drag queens play with my dad's beard.
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Randomize
