Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize
