why am i having a flashback about somewhere we were this weekend with music videos playing? Spike jonze brothers place?? Help me out
i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
I decided tomorrow is going to be great day wether my period likes it or not
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
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