If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
So I just went to student health services and on my way in there was a girl outside on her phone saying "I just dont want you to be angry" and on my way out she was saying "I have the side effects sheet right here" Someone started the semester off classy
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
Randomize
