I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
whose shirt was i wearing?
his little sister's
what was she wearing
a feather boa and 6 inch heels
Randomize
