there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
I remember all the people and all the acts I just have to match the person with the act
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
