I heard we made out
Maybe if i eat something filling like whole wheat pasta it will make me less hungry for things like dick
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
Do you still speak french? one of two girls I woke up with only speaks french...
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
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