I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
How high do u want to get? Just kind of high or yelling at swans high...
Swans
Randomize
