Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
I actually enjoy jerking off to her facebook more than I enjoy actually fucking her. Just something with our generation
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
I have nothing to say for myself. When 2chainz comes on at the bar all bets are off.
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
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