I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
two questions - what stuff of mine was pawned and who has the pawn tickets.
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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