he was sobbing,drinking his beer, all while confessing his love for her. awkward was an understatement...
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
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