Will you blow on my dice?
If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
Lol what? Monday night impromptu acid drop was the alternative.
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
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