I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
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