you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
They showed a guy on tv in a Brady jersey and a sweatpants boner when the NE offense took the field. They didn't show his face. I hope that wasn't you.
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
I feel so much better about my break up knowing that he's having his 26th birthday at Rollar kingdom\n
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
I need dick so bad, I’m dressing sexy for the school pick up line and sports practices to entice a few of the DILFs
Randomize
