in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
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