First shot of my 21st. 11 a.m. in econ class. Success.
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
I'm home alone for the next hour and a half, I expect soup and and a willing attitude to do drugs from one of or both of you girls.....annnnnd go
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
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