you're like a bully in the Christmas story
I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
Last time I saw him the sun was coming up and he was asleep in the student wellness parking lot. For some reason people were peeing on him.
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
Randomize
