god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
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