I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
Idk how much of a virgin he is but I'm tryna find out.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
Randomize
