just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
Yeah like 200 white people came and they are playing that one Biggie Smalls song everyone knows.
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
Would it be inappropriate to rub one out in the gym shower? I mean, technically, I pay $80 a month to do what I want so could they really say anything?
Shower is fine. Steam room is shady. I've probably done both at one point in my life so I can't be used as a good reference.
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
His dick is curly. It's adorable.
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
Unfortunately the rum ran out midway through our viewing and we had to suffer in silence for the rest of it.
Randomize
