Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!
I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.
Bea Arthur died! :(
What?
Big bird passed.
Threesomes are so awesome. You even have company on your walk of shame :)
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
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