I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
well i did feel guilty about it. until i saw how hot the guy was the next day. now, nothing but pride.
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
Really this has to stop, if they get any younger we will be breaking the law
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
Randomize
