this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
Not to make her into that kind of girl, but she did have a condom mural
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
Spent the majority of my senior year drunk. Graduate of 2011, I think 2011. Probably.
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
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