good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
I think god was stupid personally. The clit should be inside the vagina. Idiot.
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
Decided to go explore a half built apartment complex at 4 a.m and leave a 3 block obstacle course in the alley ways on the way home.
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
Randomize
