i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
Unless you want to see me masturbate, I think skype is a no go for now.
Randomize
