last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
Is it possible to sluttify a hobbit costume? Cause if so, this will be my biggest accomplishment.
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
Randomize
