OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
24 hours later and my vagina is still tingling. That good.
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
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