she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
You told him you loved him!?
I mean if he translated "Zi luve ku" as that then yes.
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
On the other hand, this could be a new level of shame for me.
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
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