I can text with my tongue
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
Randomize
