you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
so i definitely just saw 2 cops high five each other as they were arresting underage drinkers in 5 points.
Repeat the weekend mantra. "I like boys with teeth, I need boys with teeth, I deserve boys with teeth, I will have boys with teeth".
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
He has me blocked on facebook.... so I stalked him using my cats fan page.
Randomize
