Do fat girls normaly have fat that look like a penis by their pussy?
What the hell did you do last night?!
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
Randomize
